A Single Crisis
Being Christian + Single = State of Confusion.Why? Because the Christian + Single is constantly bombarded with confliciting stories, advice, opinions, viewpoints that come pouring out of hidden corners, secular and/or sacred. Each one claiming soundness and reality. Each one might be right, might be wrong.
On one side, there's the teachings of "Sex and the City." The TV show that has had an incredible impact on modern single life. Apart from the promiscuity, of course, I sometimes find myself identifying with main lead Carrie's thoughts on singleness. Are single women the new bachelors? What if we really do create our own relationship myths, just to tell ourselves we're ok? Sometimes, I catch myself falling into many of the philosophical traps the the four ladies project and forget to think Biblically about my singleness.
In contrast, you have Debbie Maken. I'm sure she meant well when writing Getting Serious About Getting Married, but her book is as confusing as its secular counterpart. But the funny thing is, both hit the same point: How do singles survive in the growing masses of single people?
"Sex and the City" says to experiment with all forms of sexuality, live single life to the fullest, no strings or emotions attached. Getting Serious says to go sign up at an online dating service, 'cuz by golly the call to singleness is a sin! (Ok, I agree with Maken, but I still find her incredibly proactive resolution to be unsettling and sometimes just as extreme as Sex's.)
From Maken's book, I appreciated her thoughts on how the church has hurt singles and her list of "what not to say to a single Christian." Especially refreshing in contrast to Carrie Bradshaw. (Someday, I'm going to watch that show with laptop in hand to notate all the theological errors and then comment on them...)
Here is Maken's list: (Married people, take note please. In reading this, I found that when these things were said to me, they were most often said by well-meaning married friends.)
1. "Singleness is a gift." By questioning singleness, you question God's sovereignty. If you're single, that must be God's will for you.
2. "Wait on the Lord."
3. "Jesus is all you need." Singles are told that being discontent with your singleness is a sin. God won't ever change your situation until you learn absolute contentment. Guess we're all in for a shock...
4. "Being single = knowing and serving God better." Only if you're truly called to singlehood... Like Maken says, God reveals Himself mostly through families.
5. "Single = Celibate." Ha! Go watch "Sex in the City." Being Christian + Single = Abstinent? Absolutely.
6. "You have to be the right person to meet the right person." Since when does sanctification reach a final goal this side of heaven?
7. "It's better to be single than to wish you were."
8. "As soon as you stop looking, you'll find the right person." I personally hate this one. Really, what is that supposed to mean? I'm pretty sure all the Biblical examples of singles were actively scouting.
9. "It's God's will that you are single right now." In Maken's words, "Protracted singleness rarely glorifies God and cannot save you, sanctify you, or justify you in God's eyes." Besides, how does someone else truly know what God's longterm will is for you?
10. "There's no shame in being single." Even Sex's Carrie Bradshaw hates being single! Why else would she write a column complaining about it? The whole point of the show is to exemplify a lifestyle that covers up how empty [God-less] singleness can be.
11. "Dating is fun!" Again, deep down, Carrie doesn't think so either.
My additions to the list (i.e., personal pet peeves):
12. "What? Only __ years old? You have all the time in the world!" Time for what, really? Research tells me my biological clock is ticking and that barrenness past 32 significantly increases the chance for breast cancer.
13. "Whatever you do, don't settle for second best." People forget that singleness is often the result of a choice not to settle.
So what are singles to do? I have no idea. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this...
9 Comments:
I have nothing to add...just a hearty amen. And when you figure out what singles are to do? Let me in on it. ;)
I did have a question ... what do you mean by the call to singleness is a sin? (To be honest, I haven't really researched the subject at all ... I just know I'm still single and that's that. Sometimes I'm content ... sometimes I'm not ..:) ) I had just never heard that viewpoint before.
Just stumbled across this blog by hitting "next blog" but found this topic to be particularly interesting, especially from a constrasting Christian/secular perspective! I liked that you highlighted the differences between secular thinking and Christian/Biblical thinking in this area. However, as a Christian myself, although very newly married, I take a bit of issue at the presumption that singles cannot glorify God or do His will through their singleness. I thoroughly agree with the point that families are often more apt to glorify God and serve Him unselfishly, but why is it so wrong to be single if you do live a good and holy life, trusting and glorifying God in spite of not having a mate or progeny?
I guess this topic is near and dear to my heart solely for the fact that I very recently was single and lived, I hope, a useful and Godly life, constantly striving to better myself through Him and to follow the Word. Do I appreciate my marriage and its holiness? Of course, but I don't necessarily think I am glorifying God any better than I used to. In different ways, to be sure, but I don't feel comfortable completely disregarding my 24 years of single Christian living.
I don't know, though, I am sure that there is Biblical evidence both for and against this topic...after all, Jesus himself was a single man...
Interesting topic - I appreciated your viewpoints and agree with nearly all of them!
-Amanda E
Katrina: I was quoting Maken about the "singleness is a sin" and she is refering to the mass single status in culture today -- where people should be marrying but aren't; therefore, they're not following the mandate in Genesis. In that broad idea of singleness, yes, I think she's right, it is a sin. In terms of our personal singleness, no we're not sinning. Her book is actually very well researched; read it and tell me what you think.
Amanda: Thanks for leaving a post! I hope you return and read my comment... You misread the quote from Maken's book. She says "protracted singleness" not singles themselves. She's talking about the extensive amounts of singles not marrying until they're 35-40, after they've "lived the life." She's saying that type of singleness is not God glorifying. I'm sorry you misunderstood. I'm single and I pray everyday that my singlehood is being used purposefully to the Kingdom and is glorifying to God.
As I'm sure you know, in trying to talk with other people you care about when you can't relate to whatever their specific trial is, it's really hard to show a person you care when you both know that you haven't experienced the same thing they are going through.
I haven't experienced protracted singleness into my late twenties, but many of my friends have. I haven't experienced infertility but I have friends I care about who have experienced that too. I haven't experienced a lot of things (good and bad) that many of my friends have.
From my perspective, I often feel like some people shut me out a little bit (not that they won't be my friend but that they put up somewhat of an emotional barrier) because they feel I can't relate to them. That's very frustrating for me.
Yeah, there's a lot of things NOT to say ... but what DO you say? And what about the fact that most of those things on "the list" are true? It's true that we all need to "wait" for things we want at times. It's true that God is sovereign. It's true that it's MUCH better to be single than married to a bad guy. So, what do we say? There are frustrations on both sides.
Even when we can't relate, just to let you know, we really DO care.
Hey Shannon -
I am mighty glad I did check back and you are right - I totally did misunderstand the differentiation you/Maken were making between protracted singleness and singles themselves. Sorry about that! No harm meant, of course. :-)
Amy also had extremely interesting points about what TO say to a single friend...I struggle with this myself as well. I agree with her that it's very difficult when the friendships change, even unknowingly or unintentionally, when one feels as though another can't really relate. And it's not like we can't relate at all to singleness...I mean, in my case, I very recently used to be single, but it is often extremely hard to find the right words or discern when to say nothing at all. Good thing God is a loving Father...he puts up with so much from all of us! ;-)
Thanks for clearing up my misunderstanding - makes much more sense now.
- Amanda E
Okay...that makes A LOT more sense. I was about to get up in arms about that. :) Thanks for the clarification!
I've had some good conversations with friends over the years both when I was/am single and was not single. I realized great freedom a few years ago in acknowledging and understanding that a deep yearning for marriage is not a bad thing at all and that I can pray for God to bring me a husband . I don’t have to shelve my desire because there were no prospects. The desire is biblical, God-given, and I've also learned that one can ache and yearn deeply for that, all the while trusting the Lord for timing and provision. In the meantime, it's healthy and potentially productive to have trusted friends and family know of your desire for marriage and to perhaps ask around about people who come on your radar screen. Regarding settling for someone, I know of a few godly women in their 30s who haven't married because they hold the prize of God's good gift of His best for them higher than "settling" or marrying for fear that it’s your only chance, as mentioned in one of your points.
I wrongly believed for years that I had to be content being single before God would bring someone into my life. Or, to put it another way, God will bring someone into your life when you are content and not looking. That isn't necessarily false, but a woman can't help but strive for that contentment sometimes solely in order to receive that blessing, but the focus is wrong. I strived unsuccessfully to be content so that would come true in my life. It wasn’t until I realized I didn’t need to stifle that desire that had a sense of contentment while being on the “lookout”.
It's amazing to consider the wide range of counsel and thought that is in Christian circles. Some seem to disregard God's sovereignty and some seem to not grasp how it's possible for a single person to be in prayer for a spouse and for children, be on the lookout yet be steadfast in the Lord for His provision of it. It's not even "do your best and God will do the rest". I believe it comes down to knowing that God has you in a place now, but you can actively push on doors and seek to recognize different paths on which He might lead you. It’s true not just for relationships but for job changes, moving, etc.
I haven’t read the Maken book but have had discussions about it, and while it seems to have some points of disagreement, it appears to be refreshing, encouraging take on what is largely mishandled, to the discouragement of many single, godly adults.
One last comment is it seems many women end up feeling unnecessary and unbiblical pressure to find a spouse because young men have dropped the ball in what they should be biblically pursuing – a wife. However, I do think secular women conjure up an image of being unreachable or uninterested until they reach their career goals. I know so many godly single women who are not like that and desire that a good, godly man would take an interest…and I earnestly pray that God would raise up husbands for them!
Shannnon,
I remember you from when you came to visit HSLDA, and since that time have been praying that God would link you up with a great husband. You're a fantastic young woman, and the right guy is going to be thrilled when he meets you! And hopefully that will be soon! I'll double my prayers for you. :) Keep looking up!
Catherine
Hi... Random post - I came from Jared's blog. I think that she misinterprets #9. People that say "It's God's will that you are single now" are not saying anything about long-term. They're saying that today you are single because God wants you to be single today. Therefore, it must be the best thing for you right now.
That said, Paul does talk somewhat glowingly about being single, and now that I've been married for a few years, I see many of his points. It is much more difficult for me to be devoted wholly to God because I also have the cares of my wife and two daughters. I'm happy to be married (I was married at 28, FYI), but the point is that there is much that you can do as a single (such as lead a missions trip) that you can't do as easily when married.
As to the other ones, I heard most of them, and they didn't help me either. But, #9 was probably the best advice I ever heard. Before that, I thought that being single was just purgatory before being married. That I had some huge sin issue to be worked out before God would let me have a wife. This was mostly from hearing the other comments said over and over again.
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